Main Confessional

[Jessica]

Alright. I will officially redact the previous post, because as it turns out, the PM where I told Quincy exactly what was going on, and how the vote was changing got deleted by Proboards somehow, so basically this entire clusterf* of a round could have been completely averted.

We managed to sort this out and figure out the miscommunication, get everything resolved, and everything is good, happy days are here again... and literally ten seconds later, Quincy gets purple rock'd out of the game.

[Jessica]

So, the bloody chat broke on me again, and I managed to get it working, but for some reason it wouldn't let me private IM anybody. Luckily, Luca, the only person I actually hardcore needed to talk to privately, was on. Everybody else left the room, so we got down to business, and discussed that pathological liar redhead friend of ours; specifically, how she needs to be sent packing.

Unfortunately for us, Beau chose this moment to enter the room, drunk as a skunk. Since we figured out that Luca could IM me in private, he would ask me questions, and I would just respond in the chat in a way that seemed like I was talking about something else. This resulted in two fairly impressive moments.

Impressive Moment #1:
Luca asks: "Can you respond privately?"
In the main chat, Beau enters.
Jessica: No, Luca.
Beau: ?
Jessica: I won't kiss you.
Beau: Oh lmao
Jessica: I'm into girls.
*awkwardness ensues*

Impressive Moment #2:
Luca asks: How close are Beau and Hannah?
In the main chat...
Beau: Im not nearly as much of a twat IRL as I am in this game.
Jessica: Well, I'm not really sure.
Beau; ....
Jessica: I mean, you might be really close, but I don't actually know. It's hard to tell, with you.

^Yes, folks, that's right. I managed to not only call Beau a twat, but I managed to give Luca damaging info about him and Hannah's allegiance at the same time.

I'm really hoping that I can pull this together. Perry and Vincent need to start socializing a bit, or they're gonna wind up looking like my goats, and that's a bad thing.

Oh. Also. Before I forget to mention this, Hannah gets my favorite quote of the round, when she realizes that I'm probably staying. She gives me a vague offer of future working together (about 1.4 milliseconds before telling all of Napa that ZOMG CASCADE NEED TO DIE), then caps it off with the best phrase ever. Behold!

"I don't want you to think I'm a power player."

Haahaahaaa. This is probably not as obvious to anybody else as it is to me, but saying "I don't want you to think X" is the equivalent of tattooing "I'm pretty sure I'm a strategic genius" on your forehead.

Here's why. I don't have a clever name for this rule, (Yet) but basically, the better a player is, the less likely they are to tell you a straight-up lie. Good players know that the more straight-up lies you tell, the more likely it is that those lies will come back to haunt you, whether that's from fellow voters or from jurors.

The statement "I don't want you to think I'm a power player" is in no way equivalent to the statement, "I am not a power player." Far from it. What Hannah's saying is completely true. She does not want me to think that she is a power player. She is one, and she doesn't want me to think it.

Mind-blowing, huh?

[Jessica]

I just want to punch Quincy and Luca's faces right off of their heads right now. I have been trying to get ahold of those two ALL day. I literally got up this morning, drove into town, and then proceeded to have aimless chat with the tribe for SEVEN HOURS.

Of course Quincy shows up when I finally get tired of waiting for him and go get some supper, because, again, I was waiting at my computer FOR SEVEN HOURS.

So I legitimately might go home this round, for literally no other reason than because Tweedledee and Tweedledum were off making daisy chains or whatever the hell it is that people do when they're ignorantly screwing over their newly-minted allies. We need their input, because they're the MOTHERF$#$$ING SWING VOTES, but they can't be bothered to show up. Either that or they're betraying me, and they don't have the stones to do it openly. It's like I'm bleeding to death in the middle of a hospital, and nobody will freaking answer the page button. I don't care if we vote for Beau or Hannah. JUST ANSWER THE F$#%$ING PMS. IT IS NOT THAT HARD TO DO. [/literally an entire day that I just pissed away waiting for those jerks]

[Jessica]

And now we're doing Beau. After I spent like four hours yesterday convincing him that I wasn't a dirtbag.

It's this kind of stupid stuff that makes me wonder why on earth I hear my name and go "NO! I don't want to be voted off!" instead of "OMG yes! I can talk to people who know what rationality is and how it works!"

[Jessica]

Y'know, Beau really makes me laugh. Basically all of our conversations start with him showing up to tell me I'm an untrustworthy person for some reason that's different from the reason I was an untrustworthy person yesterday; I follow this sort of thing up with a statement that proves him wrong, since in general I actually do tell him the complete truth and the only inconsistencies lie in the parts of the story that happened after I said the thing that I said. For instance, the statement that I planned on voting for Hannah was true. The fact that I voted for Beau afterwards does not invalidate the truth of that statement, because it was true at the time. Unfortunately, Beau doesn't see the world that way. He also manages to be mad at me for daring to throw him under the bus after he tells me that he's voting for me ten seconds after talking smack about Hannah, trying to get people to vote for him when I was tied with him, and various other things.

Today, though, things hit the fan. I called him nuts. There was literally no reason for me to do this, other than that it was true. Well, that, and I was simply tired of dealing with him and every other person in this game that feels the bizarre compulsion to make everything about ten trillion times more confusing than it needs to be.

What this got me in return was the assertion that I am "A F***ING BITCH!", a "hypocrite," a "liar," and "a mean person."

This got hilarious when I asked Beau why I was a mean person, and he told me that it was because I had dared to call him nuts, when he was trying to be nice to me. This niceness did actually consist of him telling me he was voting for me again, then later accusing me of causing the breakup of Sonoma, since obviously the reason why our clusterf**k tribe fell apart was that Cascade all hated Napa. I responded to this the way I always respond to Beau: truthfully. The reason why Sonoma fell apart is that Hannah's sketchier than a white van with a Free Candy sign on it, and Beau's nuttier than a squirrel's pantry. Plus I'm about as threatening as a time-travelling ninja robot with poison spikes.

Believe it or not, I didn't even say that the way that I wrote that. Literally all I said was that Sonoma fell apart because Hannah is a traitor and Beau is nuts. Then of course Beau starts telling me I'm a bitch, and all of this stuff. I respond that well, no, I was just being honest. He responds that, no, I am being mean. And I tell him that in his case, meanness and honesty are generally the same thing.

Naturally, this does not go over well. Cue much swearing and tarnishing of Jessica. Because, goshdarnit, how mean of me to say that the guy who cusses me out every day is a crazy person.

Now, where this gets interesting is that Beau apparently has never looked up the dictionary definition of the word "hypocrite", and has also obviously never taken a class in argumentative logic. Because when I prove conclusively that what I have done is in no way hypocritical, he literally starts begging me to stop insulting him. I have literally no idea how "I am not a hypocrite, and here is why" is an insult, but goodness knows I can't even pretend to be surprised at this point.

Then this guy, who has clearly not noticed the 4-1 scoreboard in the "blatant insult" section (and even then my single point is debatable since he actually openly admitted that I was probably right in my assessment that he was nuts), decides to go on the offensive. Goshdarnit, he just cannot believe what a mean and terrible person I am. In fact, he is so shocked at this, that he just up and openly says something to the effect of, "I can't believe that they let a person like you be a teacher."

Now, I'm a veteran of about 130 games. I've been playing since Amazon. I've been kicked around and insulted by people for my entire life. So when I say that I have been called worse by better, that is not a pithy little way of saying that I don't care. But what made this particular comment astounding was that Beau immediately backpedalled, said he couldn't believe he'd crossed that line (I could. That's like believing in gravity), and decides to tell me that he's actually a phenomenally nice person in real life, and he's just playing a hotheaded character. Plus, he's a teacher himself.

I forgave Beau. Fact of the matter is, I think he's a rather stupid person who legitimately does not understand how Survivor works. Even if this is an act, it's a stupid one. Can you honestly imagine him taking that to the end, and saying "No, guys, I'm really quite a nice person. This was all an act?" Yeah, no. Like a wise man once said upon seeing a turd on the grass, "that crap don't fly."

But, yeah. That particular insult? I could care less. What actually appalled me about that little altercation is that after I forgave him for getting personal and going after my IRL persona, he started going around to people and telling them that I was going after him and insulting him and that I was just too mean of a person for him to keep around.

That's like getting sued by a robber because he cut his hand while breaking into your house.

I don't intend to use Beau's personal attacks against him. I'm bigger than that. He was obviously embarrassed about it, and I intend to be merciful. Pearls before swine, I know, but people like that don't change, and I won't bother trying. I also don't buy the "I was in character" excuse. You're still the one who chose to say what you said. I've been a complete dick when I played certain games (Annie and Emily can attest to this), but even though it was a role, I never deny that I'm still the one who made the choices that I made. Anything else is a crutch.

But, all of that being said, I love that Beau called me a bitch. I know that he thinks that when he says that, he's telling me that I'm a person who says mean things and/or is insulting and arrogant, but in reality, what he's saying is that I'm playing my character so well that he has no idea that I'm actually a dude, despite the fact that I outright told him I'm engaged to a woman. Either he thinks I'm a lesbian or he's an idiot, but either way, I win. <3

[michael]

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

*fan girling*

[michael]

~we have so much to bond over~

[Jessica]

Hrm. Judging by my karma score, a group of people would like to make sure that I don't win Immunity today.

What seems interesting to me about this is that as far as I can tell, the way to be eliminated at that particular stage of this challenge is not to have the lowest karma, but to be the one who has doled out the least karmic damage to their target. That's the only thing that makes sense to me, otherwise this challenge is broken. If it's not broken, someone (*coughBeaucough*) is wasting a serious amount of time smiting me, and if it is, there's no point in trying anyway.

[Jessica]

There are a great many things I don't understand about this game. I'm not really sure how I went from being the target to being practically in the middle of everything, and bashing the two main alliances together like toy cars just to hear the funny noise they make.

Look at Gloria, for instance. I have no idea what that girl is smoking, but here's how the breakdown has gone. We tell her at the merge we want to work with her. Someone tells her that we have an all-girl alliance that she's not in, which she buys despite the fact that Hannah and I are both telling her that the other one is evil and needs to die.

She then brings up a male target and targets Beau, then randomly changes her mind later and Hannah goes. The next round, she's openly announcing that she'll idol him, then votes for him. Now she's swearing that she's loyal to Quincy and Luca, who, no surprise, don't want to vote off her biggest enemy: moi.

And, of course, the problem with all of this is that Luca isn't voting at this judgment, so even if I was inclined to keep around the alliance that includes the two people who hate me most, I would be in the minority anyway. So now it's Yvette/Perry/Vincent/Tess/Wyatt against Quincy/Gloria/Beau, with me in the middle.

It's an age-old dilemma, much like the one that Cochran faced in South Pacific. Thankfully, I didn't go to Harvard, so my college experience did successfully teach me that three is a smaller number than five. Our plan at the moment is to just go right ahead and strip that idol away like a boss, and send Quincy or Gloria home. I'm working my butt off to make sure that it's Quincy who stays, because I still want to work with him and Luca.

So, anyway, I'm gonna swing for the bleachers and try to hammer home a triple play. I've never successfully pulled one off, mostly because I've never played with a cast that was intelligent enough to make it work.

[Host]

Hey there! Just a few questions...

1. Who do you trust the most?
2. Who is the biggest threat to you?
3. What is your ideal Final 3? Do you think you can achieve it?
4. What is your strategy from the Final 9 on if this round goes your way?

[Jessica]

1. Who do you trust the most?

I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with "Yessica."

2. Who is the biggest threat to you?

Tess, probably. She's a good player, and I kind of don't really buy the, "I want to take the best to the end to see how I match up" angle. But then again she was pretty tight with Hannah, so I'm more inclined to believe it.

3. What is your ideal Final 3? Do you think you can achieve it?

Jessica, Jessica, and Jessica. And, if my time machine works, I can totally achieve that.

4. What is your strategy from the Final 9 on if this round goes your way?

Three words.

KILL 'EM ALL.

[Jessica]

Oh my gosh. I'm in a tie? The people who promised not to vote for me were persuaded by a shrewd female villain and were completely suckered into voting for me?

It's like deja vu all over again.

The funny thing is that I'm marvellously unfazed by this, because Tess pretty much openly told me she was doing it, and I told her I'd go right ahead and make them vote for her, so literally it was just her and I dicking around with those three to see which one of us could make them vote for the other. Well, props to Tess. Admittedly, I was more concerned with trying to salvage that little flapping shred of integrity I've got left and trying to get Gloria to play her idol on Quincy instead of herself (they were trying to tell me that Gloria would play it on me, which made me laugh really, really hard) so he wouldn't go home, but, eh. That dude already voted against me once, and in general I give second chances like I give change: sparingly, and only if I really feel like you deserve it. You blow that, and you're done. So if he goes, you could fill a septic tank with all of the craps I won't give.

That being said... HOLLA, I pulled off the triple play. <3 Win or lose, that's still hilariawesome.

I do have to laugh at Beau, though. For a guy who spends most of his free time explaining that he actually isn't crazy, for real, he's apparently never heard this famous quote:

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."

Poor Beau. I mean, really, I guess this just goes to show that the ability to learn through repetition, while easily learnt by chimpanzees and dolphins, (and, even more impressively, Andrea Boehlke) is not for everyone. It's just kind of embarrassing at this point. In fact, part of me just can't wait until the game is over and I can read the guy's confessional.

Round Six: "OMG JESSICA THAT BITCH I CANNOT WAIT FOR HER TO GTFO."

Round Six Revote: "Darnit I cant believe Jessica managed to force a tie I sure hope she goes home in the revote."

Round Seven: "MAN! I can't believe Jessica survived that double tie. But I'll totally get her this round. No WAY she'll make it through this one."

Round Eight: "FFS. Jessica is still here, but I have a great feeling about this one. No way on earth that everybody will refuse to vote her off."

Round Nine: "Well, okay, Stephenie went instead because nobody was willing to vote for Jessica. But I really think it'll work this time. Tess wouldn't possibly screw me to keep Jessica around. After all, she's charismatic and loyal, and I'm a total dick even to my allies. The choice is practically set in stone!"

It's like having a toddler start wailing on your with a Wiffle bat. It's a bit disconcerting that the little brat is legitimately attempting to take you down, but their efforts are so ineffectual that you just kind of sit there and let the beating continue because it's just so funny to watch them hit you over and over again and convincing themselves that maybe, just maybe, you'll keel over and die after just this one more blow.

Admittedly, if I do go home this confession won't be nearly as funny, but let's just hope that that doesn't happen.

[Jessica]

Also, son of a bitch, I laughed so hard at Beau sending me to Deception Valley.

Like... for real. It's taking me so long to type this post because I keep breaking out laughing.

It's hilarious, because I already know that Beau picked up a challenge advantage when he got sent to DV the first time, and the other two cards are nothing and a disadvantage.

Like... I legitimately cannot imagine what was going through that boy's mind.

"I've been targeting Jessica every single round. So when I send her to Death Valley, she'll probably assume that I'm being incredibly nice to her. I mean, come on. There's no way that Jessica has enough brains to realize that the only reason I'd ever send her to Death Valley would be to screw her over. And even if she does, BWAHAHAHAA she will have to pick the disadvantage."

I mean... it was like having my worst enemy come up to me and offer me a large glass that smells like bleach, and be like, "Wouldn't you really really reallllly like to have a drink of this delicious stuff that's probably water that I'm offering for reasons that are not at all nefarious?"

...Yeeeeeah. Okay then.

For whatever reason, this brilliant tactic didn't fool me, and because I'm one of those people who reads the rules, I noticed that there was absolutely no rule stating I wasn't allowed to choose the same card as anybody else. Moreover, there's no rule stating that I'm not allowed to choose not to choose any card.

So I picked the same card Beau picked, or I'll pick nothing at all, either way, Beau fails harder than a glass hammer.

[Jessica]

I literally have not stopped smiling since we won that challenge. This was such a clutch victory, and the outcome of these judgments will pretty much shape the entirety of the game from here on in.

Not only do I get to keep my buddy Luca (well, okay, I don't plan on voting with him this round, and he hasn't even bothered asking me, so "buddy" is probably not so much the correct term as "future manipulation victim and puppet"), but for the first time in like forever, I won't be getting any votes against me.

Now, lessee. I have three options for the first judgment:

1. Tess, who basically has had me on the hook twice, and let me live both times. She's a major threat, but I think that that'll be easy to use against her in the future.
2. Vincent, who's loyal, and currently about as threatening as a sandwich.
3. Gloria, who's voted against me several times, chose to believe rumours about me without letting things like logic or rationality change her mind, and won't even bother trying to talk to me. Sure, her votes always say "Mad respect" but I'd think that after a the third time you'd respect me enough to change the parchment a little.

What a touch choice. I'll need to stop and think abou-

Yeah, no. I'm voting Gloria.

The next judgment is going to be even harder. I mean, after all, not only will those three still be vulnerable, but then there are gonna be three more.

1. Wyatt, who's harmless and can basically be counted on to do whatever Tess tells him, and who I have a final four deal with.
2. Perry, who risked purple rocks to save me, and has been unswervingly loyal.
3. Beau, who bitches me out on a regular basis, voted for me more times than I can count, tried to use his personal attacks as leverage to vote me out, and tried to sabotage my chances at this IC.

Let me ponder this one for about zero seconds.

THIS! IS! CALIFORNIA!

Seriously. If I could get rid of both of them this round, it would be like the most glorious thing ever. Both of my biggest haters taking a dirt nap in the same judgment, while I hammerdance on through to the finals, and they can't even vote me for spite.

Of course, because that would just be too easy, there had to be some complication involved.

Enter Vincent, with a brilliant strategy!

"Let's vote off Tess. Beau and Gloria and Luca have agreed to do it."

Yes. Let's go ahead and vote off the person that just backstabbed her entire tribe to save us. After all, Beau and Gloria and Luca are known for being pro-Cascade and telling the truth about everything, all the time. There's no way that they'd turn right around and tell Tess that she's the target, which would get her to get Wyatt to vote Vincent off, because obviously screwing Tess and putting themselves in the minority is a much smarter move for them.

Seriously. Even if Beau and Gloria and Luca were telling the truth, it's not even in our best interests anyway. The entire point is that if you have a solid group in the minority, don't give them the numbers. I mean, literally our entire strategy has been based around the fact that Napa for some reason has never figured out this fairly important fact, and if we screw Tess there's literally nothing keeping Wyatt in the mix, which means that we're looking at a 4-4 tie, and probably purple rocks again.

Seriously. This plan is so bad it makes my face hurt, and I had to scramble around like a maniac doing damage control to make sure that Vincent didn't just singlehandedly bone the entire Cascade tribe. The sick part is I won't even know if it worked until the votes come in. If we piss away this golden opportunity, I legitimately have no idea what I will do.

[michael]

Andrea Boehlke is Amazeballs. You stay quiet