Main Confessional

[Jessica]

You know, God, I think you made a mistake. This game is not Good and Evil 4. It's pretty obvious that it's "Good and Evil 3 with slightly different people."

Let's take a look at a synopsis of that game, shall we?

Leah kicks a simply astronomical amount of butt on day one, and is on a course to win the entire darn season. Despite certain members of her team being embarrassing epicfails, Leah still manages to devise winning strategies for the mental challenges.
After suffering a massive disadvantage that she can do nothing about (Christmas), Leah is hit with a tribe switch. From here on in, Leah is pretty much screwed, because someone she was friends with in the beginning (you know who) has apparently had a hardon for our enemies the entire time. Her number one ally (Jonah) gets kicked off right away, and her secondary backup ally (Liam) dies too. Leah determines to soldier on, and (attempts to go underground). This works far too well, and Leah gets voted off premerge, and everybody tells her she's useless and sucks.

Now let's look at this game.

Jessica kicks a simply astronomical amount of butt on day one, and is on a course to win the entire darn season. Despite certain members of her team being embarrassing epicfails, Jessica still manages to devise winning strategies for the mental challenges.
After suffering a massive disadvantage that she can do nothing about (being marked by the devil), Jessica is hit with a tribe switch. From here on in, Jessica is pretty much screwed, because someone she was friends with in the beginning (Ian) has apparently had a hardon for our enemies the entire time. Her number one ally (Karla) gets kicked off right away, and her secondary backup ally (Freddie) dies too. Jessica determines to soldier on, and (goes balls out in the Immunities).

All that's left is for my strategy to work far too well, me to get voted off in the premerge, and for everybody to do a humiliation conga to tell me how much I suck.

Well put away your party hats, former Liberty members! I don't intend to let history repeat itself! I already killed the Scrabble challenge, and you'd better believe that I'm going to make the merge and cram the devil's disadvantage back where the brimstone don't shine.

Either that, or Gloria and her zombies are going to kill me off the second they get a chance, because there can only be one queen in a hive, buuuuuuut I have a backup plan for that. It's pretty obvious that Ian sucked up to Gloria like a hoover, and whether or not they had a pregame, you'd better believe I'm gonna make sure that everybody in this game thinks that he did. PMs are incredibly easy to fake (to the point where I've literally done it in less than two minutes upon request), and if people are vastly overestimating Gloria's power, that's going to be a good thing for me. If Wyatt and Tess buy that Ian and Gloria are together, we can hopefully ditch the both of them before the merge.

I'm a bit irked that Quincy still picked up a vote at this judgment, because if council had been cancelled like we were told would happen, there would have been no votes shown, and he wouldn't know that he was a target. As a result, I have to go do damage control and make sure that he knows that it was Karla's bootlist, not one of us. He's got a HII and I don't want him playing it, because we need to blindside the hell out of him next round.

Even if all of this crap doesn't work, well, hey. Ain't nobody gonna be able to say that Leah didn't play the ever-loving CRAP outta her return.

[Host]

Karla's voting list with Quincy first was made 10 days ago and has not been edited since. If you'd like me to announce that in public, I can do that.

[Jessica]

I'm not sure whether that would be a good idea or not. If Quincy knows that it was important that he know that it was Karla, then he might freak out. I'm trying to evaluate.

[Jessica]

Feb 28, 2013 22:11:39 GMT -5 Ian said:

FUCK YOU, JESSICA

Episode title? Please?

[Jessica]

I'm actually still in shock that we won Immunity today. They had four times the threads that we did, and way more people searching. I got insanely lucky that they didn't try using the Search function the way that I did, otherwise our flag probably would've been found in under a minute. What made that even more improbable is that I found it while I was in class. And I don't mean that I was attending a class, oh no. I was teaching. I literally had a ten-minute window where I could quickly dash to my computer and look for the flag, and then I had to get back to my students.

I'm not even going to try and say that it was anything other than the luckiest stunt that I've ever pulled in the ten years that I've been gaming, because that was easily the most improbable victory that I've ever seen. So, yeah, that ain't me being skilled. That right there, is me praying really, really hard.

Hannah and I are working on a plan whereby we might tell the Belbajas that Ian gave us the flag, and that's why we won.

That's absolutely not what happened (chalk that one up to awesomeness), but it would be stonking hilarious to see what kind of chaos that would cause over there. After all, Ian already barefacedly lied to the former Cascades about what he was up to, so it's not really that much of a stretch that he'd throw the challenge to try and get Yvette or Steph outta there. Plus, if they think Ian has a backdoor deal with me, that makes him even more of a target.

I'd probably feel bad about this, except for the fact that Ian was embarrassing in the first few challenges, screwed over our chances at the merge, and completely dicked the entire Cascade tribe in order to give Gloria, of all people, more power. That's a little bit like breaking off your own arm and beating your entire family to death with it, then giving it to the world's fattest man to eat, so he won't starve.

And, who knows? It might not work. And in that case, Ian will probably want my head on a stick. But if it does... oh man. That would be the most epic Karma Boomerang that I have ever seen.

[Host]

Your disadvantage is that you lose a minute of time in part 1

[Jessica]

Holeh craaaaaaap, Gloria just got kicked off.

Brothers and Sisters, can I get a "DING, DONG"?

Well, there's still purgatory, but I can totally see vengeful Freddie and BAMF Adam taking her down.

That being said, Gloria being axed actually raises a few questions for me about my own long-term survival. After all, with her out of the picture, it's suddenly far less of a big deal to send Quincy packing, and Hannah might well assume that it'd be easy to get a majority and ditch him later on down the line, or she might tip him off about the "blindside" and get him to idol me out.

That would actually be a pretty savvy move on Hannah's part, and I could totally see her pulling that off. If Quincy idols me out, then I'm gone, she still looks good for Perry and Vincent, then Ian's an easy target at the merge for his association with Gloria, and then Hannah, Tess, and Wyatt are free to play former Cascade against former Napa.

On the other hand, Quincy was Gloria's right hand man, so him being out of the game means that now there's a bitch-shaped hole in his world. Controlling him would mean controlling his HII, and I could theoretically derail everything. The Hannah/Wyatt/Tess/Beau quartet could be systematically dismantled, since she was throwing Nick to the wolves, and Yvette and Steph would definitely join up with me and Perry, meaning that it'd be a me/Nick/Perry/Steph/Yvette/Vincent/Quincy taking on the world. Ian's an easy boot for his traitorousness, so if we did that first, then turned on the others, that could make everything fall right into place.

I dunno. It's difficult. I feel like I'm theoretically in a phenomenal position right now, and I could completely blow it if I try and make a move too quickly, but if I wind up going out premerge again, I would never stop kicking myself for what I could have done.

[Host]

Some questions for our PWing pleasure!

-Who do you want to see at the merge?
-Who do you not want to see at the merge?
-Who do you want to return from Purgatory?
-Are you worried about prizes?
-Who are the three people you trust the most?
-Who would be your ideal Final 3?

[Jessica]

Why should I bother answering questions for the PWs' pleasure? Nobody's been coming in here to pleasure me!

-Who do you want to see at the merge?

Me.

-Who do you not want to see at the merge?

I would not be thrilled to see Nick, since that would mean that our plan failed. I also wouldn't like to see Ian, because he's a traitor. Hang 'em high!

-Who do you want to return from Purgatory?

Freddie. No question. Adam is a wildcard and there's no telling how he'd impact the game, and Gloria seems like a psychobitch and for some reason that just doesn't appeal to me.

-Are you worried about prizes?

...you're asking me this question? Um, hell yes, I'm worried about prizes. Prizes are what gave me a game-long disadvantage, and prizelust is what's gonna make everybody want to gun me down at the nearest opportunity.

-Who are the three people you trust the most?

My, myself, and I.

-Who would be your ideal Final 3?

Me, Beau, and Yvette. Those two seem like the least sociable, with the possible exception of Vincent and Perry, but since the boys are doomed to die at the hand of the newly-forged Power Trio if myself, Tess, and Hannah, I don't see them being welcome additions to the goat farm.

[Jessica]

Weird times are afoot.

I'm not sure how to feel about what's been going on lately. We were supposed to blindside Quincy, because, well, he's just so darn blindsideable. I was worried about doing that, because obviously with Gloria out of the game he's going to be as paranoid as a long-tailed cat in a rocking-chair factory, so there was a definite chance that he'd prematurely blow his idol.

But, for whatever reason, Quincy decided he loves me and wants to work with me. As far as strategic decisions go, this one was right on par with asking your life insurance beneficiary to safely guide you up the slopes of Mount Everest while you're blindfolded. He of course lets me know that Beau and Nick want my head on a platter with a side of fries, but it's okay, because he's got my back. Well, good to know.

Of course, since Master Maestro Quincy was pretty openly admitting that he'd assigned me second fiddle, I decided to do what any savvy person does when confronted with a dodgy-looking new product.

Failure testing.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The Quincy Alliance: A Buyer's Guide

Now, there are several questions you must ask about your new vehicle alliance.

1. How much does it cost?

You can find yourself in the driver's seat of an alliance with Quincy for the low, low price of talking to Quincy about a lot of minutiae. Of course, what the manufacturer won't tell you is that there's a significant chance that being seen driving around in a Quincy alliance may cause others to trust you less, which can result in being mistrusted or even voted right the hell out of the game.

2. Is it attractive?

It's got a certain streamlined charm, but as far as I'm concerned, it can't hold a candle to last year's model.

3. Is it impact resistant?

No. All it takes is a few parchments with Quincy's name on 'em to make this alliance crash and burn, killing all occupants.

4. Is it efficient?

Given how hard it can be to get ahold of Quincy, probably not. Other alliance partners are on more often, and give you more QCPM (Quality Conversations Per Minute) than a Quincy. That being said, it's still better than saddling yourself with a clattering junkheap like a Nick or a Beau.

5. Is it reliable?

Ah yes. That's really the golden question, isn't it? Part of me was tempted to say no, since there's a good chance that Gloria will be making a reappearance. Another part of me was tempted to say yes, because he just has this soft puppylike demeanour that makes me think that he's incapable of betrayal. But then again... I hate dogs.

Pure evil.

In an attempt to failure test my brand new Quincy, I decided to try and spark a critical alliance failure, using the oldest trick in the book: lying.

Using a carefully constructed cover story, I revealed to Quincy that I knew all about his little tryst with Gloria, and not only that, but I knew he had a HII. In order to keep it on the DL that Hannah had been the one to slip me this info, I told him it was told to me by unspecified "people on the other tribe." The plural was very intentional, designed to make that poor bugger think that Napa were lining up in the streets to denounce him.

To his credit, Quincy did handle the first curve brilliantly, openly admitting that he and Gloria had thing, but now they're just friends, and I'm the only girl for him.

The second curve, however, caused things to spin out of control. Faced with an oncoming idol accusation, Quincy dodged hard, changed the subject, but undercorrected and landed the alliance in a ditch. Admittedly, it was very clever of him to completely ignore a pretty direct question, and he did it with style. Luckily for him I'm pretending to be stupid and pretended that I somehow hadn't noticed this, but that told me everything I needed to know about his intentions in about ten seconds flat.

See, there's a thing I like to call the Paycheque Payback rule. Imagine that there's a shadowy office building, where some kind of secret organization is doing secretive evil things. Now, imagine that you go busting in there, black ops style, grab a guy and shove him up against the wall with a blade at his throat, and demand that he spill everything he knows. Better yet, imagine me doing it, because I'm really hot. Anyway, the point is, that guy's response will instantly tell you the size of his paycheque.

This guy? 2,000 yen.

No, but seriously. Check it out. If he immediately starts babbling information, you'd better believe he's not making nearly enough money to be willing to die for this crap. If he's a bit reticent, but starts telling you stuff when push the knife just a liiiiiittle bit closer to his jugular, then he's a mid-range pay kind of guy. If he appears genuinely interested in how on earth you got into this secret building and starts asking you questions, he's one of the brains of the operation, but not upper management. If he tells you to go screw yourself, then he thinks he's the brains of the entire operation. He isn't, because that's not how this crap works, but he certainly thinks he is. And, finally, if the guy starts laughing his butt off like a pothead watching Seinfeld, completely ignoring the knife altogether, then he's the big boss, the CEO, the king.

According to the Paycheque Payback rule, Quincy should be babbling like a brook in springtime. He should, by rights, be holding out the HII like a guilty toddler and begging me to keep his secret, but the fact that he legitimately thinks he can hide information from me after I literally told him that I already knew about it shows me that he thinks he's still in the mid-salary range. It's a step down from being Gloria's bitch, but that boy still thinks he's got power. And if he thinks he's got power, well, then I think I'm going to park my Quincy in the garage and get myself a fiery red Hannah for the time being.

[jonah]

omfg i love you

[Jessica]

Moving on to the other weirdness that's happening this round: Hannah and Tess.

For whatever reason, the two of them also claim to love me and want to work with me, and for whatever reason, I just don't really see that being true.

Here's why. Hannah and Tess are unnaturally close, and she's absolutely refused to vote Beau off. That absolutely reeks of a pregame, and I want no part of that. That's a really hard threesome to break up, and if it was three-three in the final six, I don't think for a second that Steph and Yvette would be thrilled about the prospect of risking a tiebreaker to save me - that's assuming that they would even make it that far, because the funny thing about 3-3 alliance splits is that they become 4-3 splits at the final seven, and that's a really handy way of pre-emptively avoiding a tie. What do you want to bet that the seventh person would be someone like Luca that could be easily swayed to their side?

Hannah is also an astoundingly good liar, as evidenced by how much bull she's giving out this round. See, she's either massively betraying Nick, or she's massively betraying me or Perry, and she's putting on an Oscar-worthy performance to fool one of us. For all I know, she's blindsiding me because she thinks I have an idol. It wouldn't be outside the realm of possibility. Even if she's not, I don't really trust her, and here's why.

This is another one of my little rules, and if you take nothing else away from this confessional, take this lesson. It's not just applicable to Survivor, it's applicable to life. This one's called Life, the Universe, and Everything. Fans of Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy will know that the ultimate answer to the ultimate question is: 42. Accordingly, the rule of Life, the Universe and Everything says this: Whatever someone is willing to do 4 you, under the right circumstances, they will do 2 you. See, for, to. 42. It's clever.

If Hannah's willing to stoop to these levels to defend me despite having only met me like a few days ago, that means that she'll stoop that low, or lower, to beat me when I outlive my usefulness.

Besides, there's this little gem. Just for the sheer hell of it, I told her that in my confessional questions, under "who do I trust most?" I put down "Hannah, Hannah, and Hannah."

Astoundingly, Hannah actually bought this, because she was so confident that I was telling her the truth that she just straight up lied and told me that she put down "Jessica, Jessica, and Jessica."

Now, I could just be paranoid, but...

Hold on a sec, Hannah, aren't you trading crosstribal secrets with Tess? And didn't you essentially tell me you'd rather cut your arm off than vote out Beau? How is that not in your top three?

I will say this. Hannah is a gifted player. I don't know how gifted, mind you, because gifted players are either so gifted that they forget other people are gifted too, in which case they're harmless, or they're so gifted that they know darn well that other gifted players are out there, and can spot their tracks a mile away. If she's on to me, I'll figure it out right about the time my torch is snuffed, and not a second before.

I'm busily drawing up the plans for a counteralliance, but we'll have to see how this judgment goes first...

[Jessica]

zomg episode title. <33333

[Jessica]

Yeah... note to self. Always go with my first instinct. The Quincy is a dud. And freakin expensive on gas.

[Jessica]

Fun fact. I have literally never been blindsided out of a game, because I usually have a pretty good idea of exactly how I'll get voted off. This round was actually pretty close, but only because I legitimately didn't think that Quincy would be idiotic enough to turn on me after what just happened. Well, that, and Hannah majorly gave it away by telling me that I was the one who had to determine the voting pattern for the 2-2-2 tie we were supposed to be doing. When you start telling your allies that it's up to them to handle the strategy, that's a pretty good indicator that you're coming up with one of your own.

I gotta say, I'm disappointed in Quincy.

This PM from him just made laugh and laugh:

You weren't really honest with me. Hannah was. That's just what happened. Sorry about that, but you're immune from the rocks so I wouldn't be too mad.

Yeah, okay. I went and told you literally everything that Hannah was doing, including that she sold out your idol and has a crosstribe alliance that didn't include you, something that even Beau was openly admitting was true, then told you exactly how we were screwing Hannah, then proceeded to go out and... y'know... DO IT, and tell you everything in advance. Yep. That whole complete and total honest thing was pretty darn dishonest of me.

Most people would assume that the person who comes to you of their own volition and tells you how epicly screwed you are, immediately after you just got betrayed, is just a *tad* more trustworthy than the person who literally just betrayed you. But not Quincy. Oh no.

Bear in mind, this is all going down after he literally signed on for ten seconds, tried to bluff me into voting Hannah, then immediately disappeared when I said I wasn't, and signed off for the rest of the day.

The Cowardly Lion called, Quincy. Even he is shocked by your lack of balls.

And I love that he tried to be like, "Well, don't be mad, because despite my best efforts, you'll survive." Oh, I'm not mad. If I bothered getting mad every time I suffered the consequences of someone else's stupidity, I'd never get anything done. I'm disgusted, mind you, because our alliance could legitimately have been awesome, and he just flushed it down the toilet because for some reason he trusts the only person who, according to empirical evidence, he shouldn't, but that's more of a weepy, pity-for-the-human-race type of emotion than anything else.

So, going forward, I'm actively talking my way back into Hannah's good graces, and as long as Vincent doesn't arbitrarily flip for no apparent reason, I will survive this. And even if I don't? That boy is screwed. He's got no allies except Gloria and Luca, thanks to a massive trashing campaign I'm instigating, he's got an idol, but he's much too stupid and oblivious to ever use it correctly, and he just betrayed literally the only person who could have fixed everything.

And when all of this catches up with him, all I can say is: